Blahgger

Not interested in posting images today, evidently.

Horrible, horrible food--the easy way!

Have you ever had a nutburger? You know, a nutburger. Pecans and Kraft sandwich spread, topped with melted chees, on a bun greased up like David Hasselhof's pecs. No? Are you sure? Maybe you had one and didn't realize what is was. It's called a "surprise" nutburger, after all.

This kind of idiocy was more typical in the spring, when the nation's food producers struggled for ways to feed those ludicrous Catholics during Lent. But the winter holidays usually spawned a competing series of "fix-it-quick" recipes that allowed you to spend your time doing other, more important things (like making the centerpiece decoration featuring red bell peppers; I'm so sorry we didn't get to that this week). Here, it's a toss-up. You probably gain a little time by dumping nuts and maynnaise into a bowl instead of actually cooking. On the other hand, when everyone leaves the table, you're gonna have an awful lot of nutburger to dispose of. Better get a shovel.

As always, click on the images to enlarge them.

Here's one time-saver that stayed with us: Jello.

These aren't too bad, really--I'm not a fan of the neon-hued cherries (I'm guessing they're cherries) on the chocolate whipped cream pie. This was 1952--people still thought radiation was safe. Those cherries could have been treated with anything. My bigger concern is with the coconut cream pie. It's lumpy. Oh, so lumpy. Yes, that happens with coconut (though here the coconut is "right in the mix," so who knows what is really causing those lumps). But my point is, this is why you cover the entire surface of a coconut cream pie with whipped cream. No dumb little frilly circles that merely serve to draw the eye to the lumpiness within. This is basic food preparation, people. It's the same reason women shave their legs.

And how about that "coconut crust" they mention? That would be this:


OK, so maybe not a bad idea. Maybe not a good one either (it'll be hella sweet, for one thing, and Jello pudding doesn't exactly cleanse the palate). And it looks like worms, or a hair clog in Little Orphan Annie's bathtub. But what's that in the lower left corner? It'a another lumpy coconut pie! And this ad is from the company that sells the coconut (Bakers, whom I feel a little better about ribbing since they did have a good recipe featured earlier this week). Not the way to show off your product, guys.

Well, that's it for this week. There's so much we had to leave unsaid and unscanned--the ads for pinworm treatments, bad breath, and catarrh of the head (you can tell this isn't a Family Circle audience). The rubber drainage mat recommended as a holiday gift. The Jergen's ad featuring Auntie Mame, a.k.a. Rosalind Russell (starring in "NEVER WAVE AT A WAC," an RKO Radio Release), provocatively headlined "My husband and I trade roles at Christmas!" Wikipedia tells me Rosalind and Frederick were married for 35 years, until her death in 1976 from breast cancer. No nutburger marriage for them--theirs was the real deal.

So far it's advertisements 2, editorial content 0

I'm afraid I haven't had enough coffee yet this morning to formulate the appropriate play on gender ambiguity here. But really. Brownies in two different forms. What could be better? The "make a billion variations with one dough" theme is a popular one in the fifties, and always more pronounced at Christmas. It's as if people felt obligated to produce the same variety they were seeing in the supermarket out of their own ovens, but really couldn't be bothered, so they just faked it.

Nowadays, we have books (actual books that you can buy, for money) that tell you how to add ingredients to cake mixes, whose selling point used to be that you didn't have to add much to them. Life is funny.

I don't know what's up with the pink icing, but I don't care. It's chocolate.

Tomorrow, just to make sure we don't end on an up note, a few examples of the more dubious ad-based recipes from this volume.

Remember to click on the image to enlarge it.

Ouch

OK, it's not Christmasy, but I ran across this Li'l Abner ad for Cream of Wheat while scanning this week's features. Can anyone tell me why Li'l Abner was ever considered funny?

Anyone?

Google ads

I love Google ads. One day you're promoting posters of Ann Coulter, the next day it's bulk supplies of Tampax.

Exciting new link

Please check out Threadbared, which I have added in the links column to your right. Featuring home sewing and craft patterns from the 40's on up, discussed with the same gravitas readers of this site have come to expect. Handily archived by decade, too. I could probably maybe do that, couldn't I.

It's called quitting while you're ahead

Well, maybe. After Peter Popcorn I'm willing to admit the possibility. Let's take a closer look. Hang on to your stomachs.

The basic recipe: Delicious Cream Candy. Sugar, cream of tartar, thin cream (I think it sounds nicer to say "light" cream, don't you?), light corn syrup, and peppermint or vanilla extract. So, sort of a cross between fondant (sugar) caramel (cream) and nougat or divinity (corn syrup--divinity requires egg whites too but I don't remember if nougat does). Cooked to softball stage and then pulled like fondant.

So far, so good. What do we do with this stuff?


Creole Pecan Pralines. Fine. Except they're not made of Delicious Cream Candy. They're made like regular pralines--brown sugar, butter, cream, and pecans. Also cinnamon.

Peppermint Candy Canes. Also not made from Cream Candy. Thank God. Can you imagine?

Cherry Orange Fudge? Not a Cream Candy.

Pulled Mints. Nope.

Chocolate Toffee. Uh-uh.

Chocolate-Laced Cream Loaf. Ah-hah. Jackpot. To make this sickly beauty, you have to:
- Cook the basic recipe three times (because you never multiply candy recipes. Never, ever, ever--trust me on that one).
- Refrigerate them.
- Take them out of the refrigerator for 90 minutes.
- Knead them together and form a 5x2x12 inch loaf.
- Break off three-inch lumps (their terminology) of the loaf and dot with green food coloring.
- "Break lump apart and gently press together again to allow coloring to give a swirled effect."
- Repeat for entire frickin' loaf.
- Reform the original 5x2x12-inch loaf (why did we form it in the first place, you ask, if we were just going to break it up and--silence! Peter Popcorn is angered by your insolence!)
- "Use fingertips to form an uneven surface on top of loaf." Why? Why?
- Melt chocolate over hot but not boiling water.
- Drizzle over loaf.
- Let stand until firm.
- Wrap, refrigerate. They also helpfully tell you to leave it there until you need it, and then to take it out, unwrap it, and cut it up. Because if they didn't tell us that we'd just leave it there until next Arbor Day.

Just a few more questions, because I'm a wondering sort of person.

Why did we bother adding the green food coloring? Is there something inherently attractive about green candy? Doesn't green in candy sort of imply mint flavoring, which this candy doesn't have? Why didn't we add it when we had three separate pieces of candy, instead of putting those pieces together into a loaf and then pulling them apart again? Why do we have to make the surface irregular and uneven? Chocolate will stick just as well to a smooth surface, and it would look nicer. And finally--don't you people think women have anything better to do with their time?

I know I'm belaboring this point, but I can see why women raised in this tradition would have welcomed Martha Stewart with open arms. Yes, her projects are obssessive, expensive, and time-consuming. But at the end of the day, they don't violate any of the Geneva Conventions.

A brief interlude of sanity

Brought to you by Crisco. 6 cups flour, 1 teaspoon salt, 2-1/3 cups Crisco. Add different stuff to get five different kinds of cookies.

Yes, I know, basically they are telling you to make your own Bisquick. Still, compared to what the rest of this magazine is trying to get me to make, date bars, sugar cookies, molasses cookies, brownies and Noel Nut Balls seem like signposts from another world. Another, normal world.

I will say I'm not keen on their advice to "use Crisco in all your baking." In other words, Don't Buy Butter. Because "Crisco cookies are as grand tasting as butter cookies, yet oh, so thrifty!" Excuse me, no. Cookies made with solid shortening have an entirely different texture and taste from butter cookies. Often I prefer it, since butter makes cookies really brittle. But Crisco leaves cookies tasting undeniably flat if you are used to butter. Or even margarine. Which I use a lot, because I was raised on it, and it didn't kill me.

Can you tell I'm a little pissed over Blogger eating this post all day?

Alas

Photo posting still on the fritz.

The Peter Popcorn Prinicple

In home decor, recipes tend to develop up to the limit of the cook's common sense--and then exceed it.

So, how easy is it to make Peter Popcorn?

Step 1: Roll paper towels into two 1/2 by 4 inch rolls, and two 3/8 by 2-1/2 inch rolls. Tie tightly with string.

Step 2: Pop 18 cups popcorn with no salt or oil. Remove unpopped kernals.

Step 3: Cook sugar, corn syrup, salt, water, and butter to 246 degree F. Add red food coloring.

Step 4: Combine an undetermined amount of the popcorn to the syrup, and quickly (I'll bet that's an understatement) shape it around the paper towels to form two legs and one arm.

Step 5: Cook another batch of candy syrup. Make the second arm and a body. Use the syrup to stick the arms and legs on the body, and to form feet and hands.

Step 6: Make another batch of candy, without food coloring. Make a round ball for the head, and stick it on the body.

Step 7: Make another batch of candy, with green food coloring this time,and make the hat. Excuse me, "Form saucily tilted cone-shaped hat on head." Yes, that's what they tell you.

Step 8: Stick on gumdrops and lifesavers and tell yourself it was worth all the trouble.

Four batches of candy cooked over the stove--have you ever made even one batch of candy? And then cleaned up afterwards? If you have, you'll see instantly why this project is so ghastly.

And if that wasn't enough fun for you, you can make all these other monstrosities, which the authors claim can decorate dining table, buffet, and front door--and be given as gifts.

Why, thank you so much. It'll look perfect on the buffet at the popcorn growers' Co-op Christmas Ball.

The steps for making the large are 1) Draw tree shapes on white paper, cover with wax paper, thumbtack to a breadboard. 2) Make half the tree. 3) Make the other half of the tree. 4) Assemble the tree. 5) Festoon the tree. Presto!

Blogger

Doesn't want to upload more photos of Peter Popcorn. Oh Blogger.

Christmas in July: The Horror

I have quite a few December issues of Household magazine, but this one sets the standard. Take a good, long look. This, my friends, is the soft underbelly of American home decor. This is what made possible the complete and devastating takeover of our culture by Martha Stewart. Because before her, everything was crap.

Exhibit A: Peter Popcorn. "He's fun to make!" promises the cover. Trust me--he isn't. In a day or two I'll show you the recipe. He's also ugly. Not just ugly, but actively repulsive. He looks like a South Sea islands fetish rendered in popcorn.

Exhibit B: Wrapping. "They're glamorous!" No. No, they are not. End of discussion.

Exhibit C: Chocolate Laced Cream Loaf. "It's heavenly!" Maybe. If you eat it and die and you led a good life so you go to heaven. Otherwise, no.

Honestly, this magazine is a mystery to me. It intersperses horrible, labor-intensive recipes with home-help tips (this month features items on Easy Pipe Repairs and Using Bias Tape). The only decent recipes in the whole thing are in the ads, and believe me, a fair number of those suck too.

Coming up this week: More than you ever wanted to know about the architectural qualities of popcorn.

Testing

Li'l problem with Blogger. Service will resume shortly.

In absentia

I'm going on a vacation for a few days. If you are stuck at your desk this week, why not take a little virtual vacation?

He's baaaack

No, Pillsbury wasn't offering a 100K reward for the head of Arthur Godfrey because he shot an old woman in the chest. It's just another Pillsbury Bakeoff--this one advertised in the September 1954 Good Housekeeping.

In 1953, Lois Kanago won $25,000 for a cake recipe featuring Pillsbury flour. It's a white cake layered with chocolate and pecans.

This year's winner of the 42nd Pillsbury Bakeoff lives in Austin Texas. She won a cool million bucks for a chicken recipe using frozen waffles for stuffing.

Now tell me again how awful 50's cooking was.

Calling Austin Powers

"What a grand and glorious feeling it is when you know you've done the right thing!"

You would think the advantages of tampons would be pretty obvious to women, an easy sell. Still, the Tampax corporation felt compelled to trot out so many horrors:

cumbersome belt-pin-harness
fear of telltale outlines
risk of chafing

And they go to great pains to separate the sheep from the non-Tampax-wearing goats:

There are many things that make Tampax appeal especially to fastidious women. The way it prevents odor from forming, for example. Or the fact that the user's hands need never touch the Tampax. Even the problem of disposal is no longer a problem.

Icky, icky female body! Thank you, Tampax!

Imperialism in heavy syrup

Why not annex pineapple to your 4th of July celebration? asks Sanford Dole's corporation in the July 1957 Family Circle. Two years before statehood, 15 years after Pearl Harbor, the islands were increasingly featured in late 50's advertising as a ready source of exotica and produce.

That's ice cream with crushed pineapple in the middle, if you're wondering. No, I don't know why the kid is chewing on the table.

The association with Independence Day is fitting, since Sanford Dole loved independence so much he overthrew Hawaii's monarchy, and then declared himself ruler of the independent republic of Hawaii rather than letting anti-imperialist President Grover Cleveland restore the queen to her throne.

They don't make 'em like Grover Cleveland anymore.

Perhaps 60 years from now Halliburton ads will urge us to center our 4th of July menus around Iraqi dates.