It's called quitting while you're ahead

Well, maybe. After Peter Popcorn I'm willing to admit the possibility. Let's take a closer look. Hang on to your stomachs.

The basic recipe: Delicious Cream Candy. Sugar, cream of tartar, thin cream (I think it sounds nicer to say "light" cream, don't you?), light corn syrup, and peppermint or vanilla extract. So, sort of a cross between fondant (sugar) caramel (cream) and nougat or divinity (corn syrup--divinity requires egg whites too but I don't remember if nougat does). Cooked to softball stage and then pulled like fondant.

So far, so good. What do we do with this stuff?


Creole Pecan Pralines. Fine. Except they're not made of Delicious Cream Candy. They're made like regular pralines--brown sugar, butter, cream, and pecans. Also cinnamon.

Peppermint Candy Canes. Also not made from Cream Candy. Thank God. Can you imagine?

Cherry Orange Fudge? Not a Cream Candy.

Pulled Mints. Nope.

Chocolate Toffee. Uh-uh.

Chocolate-Laced Cream Loaf. Ah-hah. Jackpot. To make this sickly beauty, you have to:
- Cook the basic recipe three times (because you never multiply candy recipes. Never, ever, ever--trust me on that one).
- Refrigerate them.
- Take them out of the refrigerator for 90 minutes.
- Knead them together and form a 5x2x12 inch loaf.
- Break off three-inch lumps (their terminology) of the loaf and dot with green food coloring.
- "Break lump apart and gently press together again to allow coloring to give a swirled effect."
- Repeat for entire frickin' loaf.
- Reform the original 5x2x12-inch loaf (why did we form it in the first place, you ask, if we were just going to break it up and--silence! Peter Popcorn is angered by your insolence!)
- "Use fingertips to form an uneven surface on top of loaf." Why? Why?
- Melt chocolate over hot but not boiling water.
- Drizzle over loaf.
- Let stand until firm.
- Wrap, refrigerate. They also helpfully tell you to leave it there until you need it, and then to take it out, unwrap it, and cut it up. Because if they didn't tell us that we'd just leave it there until next Arbor Day.

Just a few more questions, because I'm a wondering sort of person.

Why did we bother adding the green food coloring? Is there something inherently attractive about green candy? Doesn't green in candy sort of imply mint flavoring, which this candy doesn't have? Why didn't we add it when we had three separate pieces of candy, instead of putting those pieces together into a loaf and then pulling them apart again? Why do we have to make the surface irregular and uneven? Chocolate will stick just as well to a smooth surface, and it would look nicer. And finally--don't you people think women have anything better to do with their time?

I know I'm belaboring this point, but I can see why women raised in this tradition would have welcomed Martha Stewart with open arms. Yes, her projects are obssessive, expensive, and time-consuming. But at the end of the day, they don't violate any of the Geneva Conventions.