Christmas in July: The Horror

I have quite a few December issues of Household magazine, but this one sets the standard. Take a good, long look. This, my friends, is the soft underbelly of American home decor. This is what made possible the complete and devastating takeover of our culture by Martha Stewart. Because before her, everything was crap.

Exhibit A: Peter Popcorn. "He's fun to make!" promises the cover. Trust me--he isn't. In a day or two I'll show you the recipe. He's also ugly. Not just ugly, but actively repulsive. He looks like a South Sea islands fetish rendered in popcorn.

Exhibit B: Wrapping. "They're glamorous!" No. No, they are not. End of discussion.

Exhibit C: Chocolate Laced Cream Loaf. "It's heavenly!" Maybe. If you eat it and die and you led a good life so you go to heaven. Otherwise, no.

Honestly, this magazine is a mystery to me. It intersperses horrible, labor-intensive recipes with home-help tips (this month features items on Easy Pipe Repairs and Using Bias Tape). The only decent recipes in the whole thing are in the ads, and believe me, a fair number of those suck too.

Coming up this week: More than you ever wanted to know about the architectural qualities of popcorn.