Horrible, horrible food--the easy way!

Have you ever had a nutburger? You know, a nutburger. Pecans and Kraft sandwich spread, topped with melted chees, on a bun greased up like David Hasselhof's pecs. No? Are you sure? Maybe you had one and didn't realize what is was. It's called a "surprise" nutburger, after all.

This kind of idiocy was more typical in the spring, when the nation's food producers struggled for ways to feed those ludicrous Catholics during Lent. But the winter holidays usually spawned a competing series of "fix-it-quick" recipes that allowed you to spend your time doing other, more important things (like making the centerpiece decoration featuring red bell peppers; I'm so sorry we didn't get to that this week). Here, it's a toss-up. You probably gain a little time by dumping nuts and maynnaise into a bowl instead of actually cooking. On the other hand, when everyone leaves the table, you're gonna have an awful lot of nutburger to dispose of. Better get a shovel.

As always, click on the images to enlarge them.

Here's one time-saver that stayed with us: Jello.

These aren't too bad, really--I'm not a fan of the neon-hued cherries (I'm guessing they're cherries) on the chocolate whipped cream pie. This was 1952--people still thought radiation was safe. Those cherries could have been treated with anything. My bigger concern is with the coconut cream pie. It's lumpy. Oh, so lumpy. Yes, that happens with coconut (though here the coconut is "right in the mix," so who knows what is really causing those lumps). But my point is, this is why you cover the entire surface of a coconut cream pie with whipped cream. No dumb little frilly circles that merely serve to draw the eye to the lumpiness within. This is basic food preparation, people. It's the same reason women shave their legs.

And how about that "coconut crust" they mention? That would be this:


OK, so maybe not a bad idea. Maybe not a good one either (it'll be hella sweet, for one thing, and Jello pudding doesn't exactly cleanse the palate). And it looks like worms, or a hair clog in Little Orphan Annie's bathtub. But what's that in the lower left corner? It'a another lumpy coconut pie! And this ad is from the company that sells the coconut (Bakers, whom I feel a little better about ribbing since they did have a good recipe featured earlier this week). Not the way to show off your product, guys.

Well, that's it for this week. There's so much we had to leave unsaid and unscanned--the ads for pinworm treatments, bad breath, and catarrh of the head (you can tell this isn't a Family Circle audience). The rubber drainage mat recommended as a holiday gift. The Jergen's ad featuring Auntie Mame, a.k.a. Rosalind Russell (starring in "NEVER WAVE AT A WAC," an RKO Radio Release), provocatively headlined "My husband and I trade roles at Christmas!" Wikipedia tells me Rosalind and Frederick were married for 35 years, until her death in 1976 from breast cancer. No nutburger marriage for them--theirs was the real deal.