Cooking by and for encephalitic, spastic children

In addition to perpetrating horrific illustrations of perfectly innocent child test cooks, Betty Crocker has a rubber fetish. That's the inescapable conclusion if you read the entirety of her COOK BOOK for Boys and Girls (1957 reissue). How else to explain her shrill insistence on using rubber scrapers for every possible cooking operation?

Either
1) Betty owns a rubber plantation in Indonesia;
2) The purchase of rubber scrapers was keeping the Cold War economy afloat; or
3) Someone was afraid that kids would poke their eyes out if they used too many rigid kitchen utensils.

Disclaimer: I actually grew up in a house that didn't have any rubber scrapers. Mom didn't have anything against them, to my knowledge. I suspect it was just that her last set got chewed up before I was born, and she never bothered to get more. Because, honestly, while there are some things rubber scrapers do very well, there's not much they can do that another tool can't.

Also, if you scrape a bowl with a rubber scraper, there is precious little batter left in the bowl to lick, which to my way of thinking is one of the most important parts of any baking project.

I do now have rubber scrapers in my house, and handy things they are, too, but I don't make a religion out of them, for heaven's sake.
















































































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The more things change

So, what did the fall 1959 television season herald?

Next to nothing, as it turns out. Well, Dennis the Menace premiered; I guess that counts for something. Also "The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis."

But check out Dick Clark! Looking like he's just come from his First Communion, he's all set to emcee a wild, innovative, wacky new show that sounds a hell of a lot like every damn thing you see on TV these days. Worse still, the article text points out: "older viewers will recognize [it] as an updated version of 'This Is Show Business,' that old TV package distinguished largely for the smoothly dispensed advice of Clifton Fadiman and the acid commentary of George S. Kaufman." Hmm. Sound like anyone you've seen on TV lately?

Incidentally, "Bonanza" debuted on September 12 1959. Family Circle's Philip Minoff sniffed that "The autumn schedule calls for a rash of new horse operas that include not only the common half-hour variety . . . but several hour-long cactus epics like NBC's pardners 'Laramie' and 'Bonanza.' For each of these entries its sponsor promises, of course, a Western utterly different from anything now being seen on the channels, but don't bet the rent money on it."

"Bonanza" aired for fourteen seasons. So, don't take any betting advice from Philip Minoff, I guess is the lesson here.

Ending September: Month of the gayest salads since gay moved to Gaytown

Plenty stands out from this September 1959 Family Circle feature on HEARTY SALADS (apply kooky font of your choice). There's the Cthulhu-like "Chedderoni," yet another exhibit in our continuing freak show of foods inspired by H.P. Lovecraft. There's the reassuring statement in the first line that there is NOTHING sissy about these salads! Even though we named one Tray Gay! Because this is 1959 and homosexuality doesn't exist! Just sissies! And everyone hates them and no one wants to feed them! So it's OK!
But what I like best is the mystifying attempt to make "Tray Gay" into an actual recipe, when it fact it calls for putting vegetables on a tray. I mean, come on, "Pick up a red-ripe tomato or two to eat just plain"? That's not a recipe; it's a stage direction. If Yoko Ono wrote a cookbook, I expect that's what all the recipes would look like: "Recipe for Joy Salad: Eat a tomato."

If Yoko Ono did it, it would be cool.

Adding, and another thing, I do like how in 1959, before we all lived in refrigerated splendor, magazines acknowledged that September 1st did not in fact herald the beginning of the long holiday calendar death spiral. Here in Texas, it's still 90 degrees every day, and projected to remain that way until at least a week into October. But is anyone suggesting I make salad? No, Martha Stewart and Southern Living insist I must now begin nourishing my family with savory stews and pork roasts with winter root vegetables and a million things with pumpkin in them and I don't even like pumpkin all that much. But we have to eat it in October because IT'S AUTUMN! And buy plaid flannel jumpers at the mall and shop for winter shoes and ogle the Old Navy store full of woolen sweaters that no one will ever wear because WE LIVE IN TEXAS AND IT IS 90 DEGREES YEAR-ROUND! In 1959, they didn't deny reality like this. In 1959, if the polar ice caps had started to melt, they would have said, holy crap, that means the Russians will have a warm-water port. We'd better do something, fast. They wouldn't have walked around with Bluetooth headsets jammed in their ears, slurping iced pumpkin frappuccinos from Starbucks and shopping for Christmas decorations in October. If they had, we'd all be speaking Russian right now. And there IS no Russian word for frappuccino.

As always, click on the image to make it bigger, if you think you've got the guts.