Won't someone please think of the children?

Like you, for example--do you want your kids growing up to be shifty-eyed, caffeine-swilling meth addicts? No? Then you'd better start pouring Postum down their throats right this very minute!

It should be easy if you, like the woman in the ad, are a fabulously manicured giantess. Conversely, if you're normal, and your kid's that small, something has stunted her, and you'd better make some changes fast. Either you've been putting caffeine (sorry, caffein) in her formula from Day 1, or she's already smoking. But simply having her read books about giraffes isn't enough.

James Lileks has some of the even creepier Mr. Coffee Nerves Postum ads on his Web site.

According to Wikipedia, "The ingredients in Postum are wheat bran, wheat, molasses, and corn dextrin." They'd probably have to terrify me into drinking that.

Ironically, C. W. Post's Postum is now sold by Kraft.